Is there a such thing as safe love?
At a certain moment in a young woman’s life, the moment that defines her future interactions, the moment that she will revisit if she doesn’t pass the test is the moment in which she feels her heartbreak for the first and hopefully the last time.
We’ve all witnessed it and fell victim to heartbreak by engaging in loving a boy who wasn’t yet a man. There are even some young women who have experienced heartbreak by a gentleman who just wanted some space. Either way heartbreak was inevitable, but is it?
How do we prepare younger women for this battle ?Is there a such thing as safe love?
No mom or sister goes to tell their youngest child, or youngest sister about what it means to be emotionally penetrated. There aren’t many mainstream stories about emotional attacks or emotional abandonment. The lesson she’ll learn is left on her decisions, because she’s supposed to learn on her own.
But why? Why should she have to go through it. Is heartbreak a rite of passage or is it avoidable? I believe it’s avoidable. Why take a shot in the dark and run the risk when there is a collection of experiences engraved in the hearts of others? If we can preach abstinence should we not preach abstaining from dating? If we enforce safe sex should we not enforce safe love, and is there a such thing? We’ll take a look at a few examples:
1. First and foremost, young women learn by sight and through the relationships that surround them.
So as an abstract or direct role model it is your duty as a woman to teach the young women coming up right behind you. What exactly is it that you want to teach them?
Do you want them to know the few and easy tricks to sneaking out with friends to attend an unsupervised party? Would you rather them know how to engage their friends in learning about the world through themselves?
Would you want to show them how to make it clap, or what it takes to be a woman and applaud other women who accomplish small and big things?
Set the example the right way.
My aunt shared with me that she felt as though if she’d incorporated God into her daughter’s life at an earlier time, then the daughter wouldn’t respond to men the way she does now.
There is nothing wrong with the daughter, she is smart, she is driven, she is healthy and she is loved. The issue is that she is searching for love and the hunger is only growing stronger because she is starved by those she is searching for it through. What is now called, centering men.
I’m not saying that everyone should put God first but if you’re a Christian, then you absolutely should be. Show those young women that look up to you, that they are loved. Not just loved by you, because there will be times when you are unavailable or you get them upset. Let them know they are loved by an eternal father who will always be there even when they think he isn’t.
If you plan to be the cool one and tip toe around hurting these young women’s feelings Let them know that they have someone to call, that you will be there and that you will never leave their side. Show them by actually doing it.
2. Wrapping it Up
In our safe sex lessons we are taught about condoms and how to protect ourselves from STD’s/STI’s so in the lesson of loving we should teach protection from loving too hard too soon.
Some women, under the impressions left by fairy tales and romantic movies, see relationships as ‘one week you’ll fall in love and live happily ever after fantasies’. This is where we have all gone wrong.
Whether it be our first relationship or our third we have all gone home, after meeting the guy for the second time, and thought about marriage/kids names/color palettes for your family etc., so in the mind we are light years ahead trying to hold back in the real world.
Young women do this often except they get stuck in their heads and when the fairy tale falls so do they.
We must teach them to wrap up their hearts like a gift under the Christmas tree. That it should be opened slowly, that the man they are opening up to has gone through a few layers before they get to the actual gift of their love.
3. Understanding the Warning Signs
Young women need to be taught that the same warning signs in danger zones are a bit more obvious than the warning signs in a relationship.
The warning signs in a relationship generally come to them as a weird dream, an uneasy feeling and in some cases a flashing red sign. When practicing safe love, if a such thing exists, then they should know that when they sense something wrong is going on in their relationship that it should be addressed. Addressed and then assessed.
Being assertive and direct will ultimately scare their partner. Typically because some people are not accustomed to direct communication, especially when it highlights a shortcoming. No on wants to be the bad guy or perceived as the bad guy. Teach these young women to share their thoughts and ask questions that will allow them to gain clarification. This will introduce them to open dialogue, even if the partner shuts down.
In conversation there’s always the possibility that clarity will not be provided. If a partner is dodging or avoiding answering direct questions. I advise taking a leave of absence. It’s tough to acknowledge the warning signs, and even tougher to remove yourself from situations that cause confusion.
4. Knowing when to Leave
Ladies, Girls, Women please remember that you are the one that loves you the most.
When it is time to go, you will feel it in your heart and maybe even just in your gut as an uneasy inexplicable feeling. Most of us never knew when to leave because we were so in love but how dangerous is that?
So, in love that you forget about what it means to love yourself. That you forget you have a purpose to fulfill in life, that isn’t limited to marriage and child bearing. So what are the signs to leaving and how should they be taught?
By simply sharing the story. Share your first heartbreak in the way that who is listening will understand and are able to apply.
Prime Examples of when to skiddadle:
When he/she cheats
When he/she tells a lie that hurts you.
When he/she raises his/her hand to you in an unfriendly way or even as a natural reflex.
When he/she ignores your cries for love and affection. (Reciprocity)
When he/she disappears or doesn’t return in the middle of the night with no explanation.
When he/she decides and shows you that you are not a priority in their life.
LEAVE when that unexplainable feeling tells you to.
Star Candelaria 